Dear Meghan

Congratulations and commiserations!

I mean it. And please, before you mark as spam, let me explain.

I’m delighted for you and Harry! You seem like lovely people and I think you’ll make each other supremely happy. With your generous spirit and his understated sincerity, you are perfectly paired to advance the good causes you both believe in. I think the world will be a better place for your union.

But my God, I’m sorry for all the fuss!

I got married last year and I cannot imagine what it would have been like to order a latte and find LSB and me staring back at me in the froth! Or to log on to the BBC website only to find an aerial map informing the world of the locations of our ceremony, reception and after-party. Not to mention having a special edition of marmite dedicated to our nuptials.

And then there are the people who have been camping on the streets draped in Union Jacks for days just so they can get a glimpse of your dress. I mean, I suppose it’s flattering in a way. But between you and me, it’s kind of creepy too, right?

I know you’re an actress, so you’re used to the limelight. But the strange thing about this role is that it’s public property and you don’t get to slip out of it when the credits roll.

As Britney can tell you, everyone will want a piece of you. And the more they get, the more fragmented you will become. I’m sorry in advance for the gross Paparazzi hounding, the continuous digging into your past, and the obsession with your body and the fabric you drape over it.

I read today that sales of a certain brand of sunglasses shot up by 1000% percent after you were spotted sporting them at the Invictus Games.

1000%. I mean, come on! Do people think a pair of tortoiseshell specs are going to increase their odds of marrying a prince?

You don’t need no Spider-Man to tell you that with great power comes great responsibility. You’ve more than proven that with your humanitarian work and the causes you choose to champion. You’re exactly the kind of pubic figure the world needs. But you’re also just a regular gal called Meghan Markle who should have the right to marry a nice lad without millions of uninvited guests streaming the event into their living rooms.

I know you must be dying to get to the end of this so you can do your mascara and practise your speech. But please, before I sign off, let me share with you the one piece of advice I wish I had got before my own wedding day.

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sharing: the biggest challenge of the day

Do not miss out on the cake! I mean it, you need to wolf it down! Do not dilly-dally pretending to be all polite like I did. My biggest wedding regret was not eating more than a sliver on the day. Take it from a married woman: nothing lasts forever. You might look at the perfectly iced masterpiece and think it’s for life. But before you know it, in the blink of an eye in fact, there’ll be nothing but lemon and elderflower crumbs left on the silver serving plate.

Amid all the madness, it’s important to cut to what really matters.

Best Wishes to you and Harry!

Lots of love,

Kate

(Kate Katharina. Not your sister-in-law. That would be a bit weird)

xxx

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A Royal Flush

I imagine that just about now, a rogue-ish Prince Harry is pulling back his hand-carved mahogany chair, after a few too many gulps of Montrachet 1978, to deliver his Best Man’s speech. I can almost hear the tap-tap-tap of his silver spoon on the rim of his wine glass and oh, despite the royal fuss of it all, what I’d do to be a fly on the crystal chandelier; or indeed one of the couple’s three HUNDRED “close” (but probably only facebook) friends.. There’s nothing for it but to deflect my curioisity by pondering the following five nuptial nuggets:

1.Kiss me, Kate?
When William and Kate kissed for the second time during the balcony scene, one of the BBC royal correspondents commented that “She was game, he less so”. Having watched this scene repeatedly and considered the comment, I am convinced of its inaccuracy . As delightful as Kate’s putative enterprise is- when watched carefully- it is clearly William who initiates Peck Two, unless I am missing some subtle display of microexpressions?

2. Wed-lock?
It’s well known that changes in temperature cause the limbs to expand and retract and it’s only natural that beneath her poise and exquisite cherry-lipped smile, the Princess was experiencing immense physiological imbalance. It was an agonizing few seconds, but William did finally succeed in encircling Kate’s blood-starved ring finger with a golden hoop- but what if he hadn’t managed? Could he have asked little bro for a hand?

3. How many times had they practised their vows?
They fail – they endearingly fail – to keep straight faces as they repeat before the eyes of God what they have been stumbling over ad nauseum for weeks.

4. Is William’s receding hairline indicitative of his humility?
It certainly is. As Prince, he could have opted for all sorts of cover-up treatments, and the fact is, he didn’t.

5. Does Princess Catherine’s academic future lie in the history of meterology?
Unlike most disciplines, meterology shows a distinct bias for future events over retrospective analysis. It was widely reported that Kate’s first official statement was that she was “glad the weather held up”. I believe this sagacious remark to be representative of an impressive and rapid immersion into the royal fixation with the past. At the same time, it adds a little authority and glamour to the utterance: “Lovely weather we’ve been having!”

And now to return to Harry’s speech, which he should be wrapping up about now: God save them all.