This time two weeks, if everything has gone to plan, I’ll be sipping beer alone in an east Berlin hostel.
I’m leaving Ireland for a few months to do an internship at Spiegel International, the English version of Germany’s Der Spiegel.
I’m one of the people Michael Noonan was referring to when he talked about emigration being a “Lifestyle choice”.
I intended to emigrate when I graduated in 2010 but I couldn’t afford it. After I did a TEFL course, which my parents paid for, I was lucky enough to get a job at the school where I trained.
I have loved this job and were I not young, passionate about writing and curious about the world I would do well to keep it.
I don’t agree with Eamonn Dunphy that Ireland is a dump. I agree with George Hook that this country gave him a “bloody good living”.
If we were in the middle of an economic boom I’d be in more of a rush to leave.
Because moving shakes you up, allows you to meet people that challenge how you think and forces you to define yourself within new parameters.
I’ve lived in the same house for 24 years. I know its every nook. When I come home, my father is where he is supposed to be. As I push open the gate, I look in the window and see the back of his head and his arms outstretched. From behind, it looks like he’s made a tent out of the Times newspaper and is holding it stubbornly in place because he has run out of pitching pegs. I hear clinks of plates in the kitchen. I smell his butter beans beginning to burn. I find my mother’s school-bag in the hall and hear her practising the Alto part to the piece of music she is singing in choir. When I come into the room she turns from the piano and tells me an amusing story about one of her pupils or something that she saw on the way to school.
In the mornings, I wake up and Áine Lawlor’s voice is like wind, willing me out of bed. All I can think about is how warm I am in my onesie and how early Áine must have to get up every single day. After a while I feel ashamed and curl into a foetal ball and roll out of bed.
As for the the three men that are in my life but that don’t know it they won’t miss me one bit.
I saw the man with long blonde hair and pools for eyes again today. His head was pushing down Harcourt Street, like a hound in slow motion. Last week I bought the Big Issue from a Romanian women in Rathmines, instead of from my friend outside Trinity. I haven’t seen him in a while but if I do, I will buy another copy. LSB has promised that he will buy each new issue from him while I am away. I know he will, because he always keeps his promises. And if he forgets, my face will appear on his computer screen as soon as he signs into Skype and I will ask him why he hasn’t done it yet. I am charming like that.
I’ll miss town on a Saturday. My vegetarian breakfasts at Cornucopia, where I spy on people who have nice haircuts, pretty coats and carry pocket books. I’ll miss John Gormley’s neat head and chiselled chin, which you can see in a frame hanging on the wall. I’ll miss the flea markets and co-ops which are beginning to blossom like a shy bride all over the city. I’ll miss the silent Falun Dafa-practising protesters, who stand around banners at Stephen’s Green with their eyes closed, drawing shapes in the air, uncannily in sync.
After the terrible things I have said about it, I’ll miss O’Connell Street. I’ll even miss the towering superfluous spike. Sometimes when I’m whizzing along on the U-Bahn gobbling up breaking news, I’ll think back to the times I felt sad when I passed the alcoholics who drank inside the pubs on Parnell Street at half eight in the morning. I’ll think back to Wednesday mornings, which are Dole days in the north inner city. I’ll remember the sorry queue of hunched figures in tracksuits waiting to get into the little green post office.
Sometimes, I’ll yearn for those moments when you’re waiting at a bus stop or sitting on a park bench and an old man or lady looks at you a little longer than they should and then decides that you are a safe person and talks to you about the weather or the recession or about when the bus should arrive.
I’ll miss the men and women who work in the charity shops on Camden Street and the type of lady that I overheard last week in the Cancer Society shop telling a customer that she couldn’t win an argument, let alone the National Lottery but that it doesn’t stop her from dreaming.
I will miss the -often irrational- indignation of the callers on Liveline. I will miss the ceaseless banter and inoffensive drizzle and the feeling I get of being a 1930’s maiden any time I’m in Neary’s Pub.
But I’ll be back. And I’ll have learnt how to live with a cat despite my prejudices and what it’s like to write to live instead of to live to write.
I might just have managed to see out my Quarter -Life Crisis. but I’m not promising anything.
And I’ll be blogging so that you can come to Berlin too, if you like.
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. E-mail me privately with suggestions as to how to get LSB back for last year.
If you’re on Facebook and want to join in on some chats, you can “like” Katekatharina’s page.
One of the best things about leaving Dublin is that you miss it so much!
I can imagine! Do you think you’ll be back?
Ah, no question about it, but when and under what means are questions a bit more difficult to answer.
That was like a James Joyce story. Promise me you’ll take a battered 20c copy of Dubliners and write some fiction while you’re in your East Berlin bar!! It’s your fate, or if not at least some poetry – actually add to that a battered 20c copy of Louis MacNeice and a dog eared Seamus Deane. You’ll have fun, at least negotiating your way through a variety of processed pork products. Sweinfleisch. Seriously, it’s everywhere.
Promise. I’ll batter it myself I need to as my copy is hardback. Also, you made me speechless with your nice comments. I didn’t know what to type. Just, thank you. As or the Schweinfleisch..it’s unlikely to turn me carnivore.. you sell it so well 🙂
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I would normally (should?) say something ironic and sarcastic here, I really can’t disagree in any way with the sentiments expressed here. There is one thing to keep in mind though – you never realize how “Irish” you are until you leave the country for any long length of time to a place where a lot of the cultural reference points and attitudes that you brought up with, inhaled from the enviornment as naturally as you inhaled oxygen, simply don’t exist and a lot of different ones exist in their place. You become much more aware of your own “specificness” by doing so. It’s an education in itself. Good luck! (And If I can get into Leiden next year, perhaps next time we’ll meet will be in Berlin?)
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