“And I stiiiiill haven’t found what I’m looking for,” Bono confessed in 1987, the year I was born. Sometimes I get the impression that some people who land here can relate. Here are some of my favourite Search Engine referrals to date.
“Inside a Septic Tank:”
I’d rather not be, if I could at all help it.
“How to find a leprechaun:”
I used to find it helpful to hover around the Molly Malone statue but if you are outside of Ireland, I suggest waiting for the next rainbow. Bring a magnifying glass as leprechauns tend to be very small.
“Legion of Mary Logo”:
I wish I had designed it.
“Entertain my “savant girlfriend:”
Look here, I’ve got enough to deal with with LSB and his preternatural processing speed. Read up on absolutely anything she’s not interested in and impart your wisdom lazily. That way you’ll seem generally well-informed rather than narrow and specialist.
“Kate Ferguson Teacher of the Year:”
Aw, you guys. You shouldn’t have. Is there a cash prize?
Not the first place I’d look for one but sounds like a promising premise for a science fiction novel.
“Nasal Paper Tissues:”
An underrated modern commodity.
“Is a pen a metaphorical penis?”
No, absolutely, definitely not.
“Messiah Dundrum Shopping Centre:”
He’s as likely to be there as anywhere else. Check Harvey Nicks.
“Something happened in Kurdistan:”
Chances are, yes.
“All piercings possible:”
Why limit yourself?
“Brain with muscles:”
More useful than one without but don’t get too macho about it.
“Alone in Berlin:”
Don’t rub it in.
I invented this discipline title. Here’s the proof.
I used to be an authority but around the time Vogue abandoned us for like, Brian McFadan and like, Australia I said “feck it” and moved to Berlin.
“Quarter Life Crisis:”
I’m an expert.
“Man walking three Saint Bernards:”
An excellent, specific search. You didn’t deserve to land here. I’m sorry.
I wouldn’t have the faintest notion.
“Hairy German Women”:
A niche interest indeed.
“Daniel O’Donnell Museum:”
Planned for my next pilgrimage.
A cyber rival? Should I be worried?
“Clear toilet seat:”
I like the ones where it looks like fish are swimming around the rim.
“German punks whistling at passers-by:”
Something I have never experienced.
“King Abdullah Eye:”
I’d like to think I’m not.